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Jan. 22nd, 2005 @ 04:54 pm the silence
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Unbelievable Truth - Revolution
Days like this make me just want to end. I can't stand how I feel.

Missing a ghost; unable to feel anything specific, just an obscure, empty sense of longing. Why can't I just make the memories stop? Why can't I just feel happy for one fucking day?

For some people, it's better not to know certain things. I am not one of those people. Ignorence is not bliss for me. Not anymore. Once you know that you are dreaming, you can never be perfectly asleep. I need to know it all.

I need to know how she is.

If I am going to feel this way for the rest of my life, or if I'm not going to feel anything, I would rather not be.

What would be the point?

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Jan. 5th, 2005 @ 11:10 pm How am I different
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
I heard an Aimee Mann song you put on one of the first mix tapes you made me, and memories flooded into my brain like tiny knives. That song, asking such a question... and still... the answers I had then are the same.

Don't you see how you are different from every other woman on the face of this planet? If you dont know that, I dont know what to tell you. I think about you still, and I wonder if youre happy. If youre alone, or with someone who doesnt deserve you, or finally with someone who does. I know I wasn't him.

If you havent figured out yet that you are one of the most rare creatures on this planet, I dont know how. You are one of a kind. Youre actions, mistakes, those things dont define you. I hope you know that. If I am a mistake, I hope it doesn't haunt you like you haunt me.

What hurt the most is that you lied you know. You told me you needed to be alone, and was already with him again. That's what killed me the most. Were you ashamed? Are you still with him? I would do anything to just hear how you are.

It's not that I dont know it's over. I know that for sure. It's just that there is so much that I dont understand. That you never even tried to explain. You used those same cop outs. Why not just tell me the truth? I know I failed you. I pray for forgiveness.

I don't have anything left of you. No pictures. No letters. Nothing. You have everything of me... or did you burn it? I hope not. I hope you put it away somewhere. I hope you hid me somewhere so that you won't completely erase me. There will never be another me and you.

Have you missed me even once since it was over? You missed him before things were even bad between us. You hid things. Hide me. Don't erase me, please. I still remember all the good things. And the bad. And the in between, although there wasnt much of it.  We were usually on or off.

If none of means anything to you like you said, then you are right, I guess. You aren't any different, in that one way. You are the same as the other woman Ive known. But I don't believe it. You would have to look me in the eye and tell me that.

I hate it. But I still miss you.

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Nov. 26th, 2004 @ 02:47 am an eight square foot black and white television
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
i wrote twenty pages last night

I was soooo excited, i was telling everyone, like they would honestly care..

girl at starbucks : heres your coffee sir

me : oh, thanks, i woite twenty pages last night

girl at starbucks : oh, well, thats nice. bye.

Yeah.. maybe i went a little too far, but oh well... it was nice to have something of an accomplishment to brag about... especially on this screenplay.. believe me, those were twenty of the most hardcore to write pages i have ever written

i miss a lot of people

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Nov. 14th, 2004 @ 01:12 am its not that you were so much wrong before, as you are just right for the first time now
I want to bury my head tonight... somewhere deep inside the earth, disconneted finally from a heart that hates me.

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Nov. 13th, 2004 @ 01:09 pm I'm Lloyd Dobler, Bitch!

Which John Cusack Are You?
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Nov. 2nd, 2004 @ 08:21 am my life as a chinese telephone operator
this is my last day in texas.

Well, sorta

my last... um... 19 hours anyway.

At 3 am, on Nov. 3rd, I will leave for Dallas, and once there, board a plane, never to return to this hell again.

And yet, I don't really want to go. I am terrified. And I am putting everything off until the last second.

Hell is a consistant place. I know what to expect here.

I dont know what Nevada holds... But I need something.

Something solid, and wonderous and grand.

I need someone to fall in love with me.

I need someone to fall in love with.

I need us both to choose the same thing.

For once. For all.

For now.

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Oct. 17th, 2004 @ 11:09 pm no, you CANT rock my socks off
today has just not been good

now i have to clean that freakin office building

i want to choke on some smoke

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Oct. 17th, 2004 @ 07:19 pm today could be the day I finally reconize myself, today could be the day I leave her behind
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: chocolate - snow patrol

Not so much.

So, now, I have to leave immidetely, again. And get down there to write something new

and foriegn.


i'll explain later...

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Oct. 15th, 2004 @ 12:54 am camera hog
i stole a nice digital camera from a drug dealer.

and I love that damn camera.

heres where all pictures are posted:



or... er... dont.... see if I care...

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Oct. 13th, 2004 @ 08:16 pm A very long engagement

I want to see this now. The trailer brings tears to my eyes.

Jenut is a genius.

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